The Coffee Mug Escapade
Greetings. My name is Sebastian. You may have heard of
me before. I’m king of a very small rabbitry in the middle of nowhere. So, you
know, almost everyone knows about me. I would like to tell you all another
story of, you guessed it, a scrape I got myself in. This one was very, very, very
serious. You see, I had broken Aravis’ favorite coffee mug, which is a crime
punishable by torture and a long and painful death. So yes, you could say that
I was a bit desperate. But before I tell you the rest, let me start at the
beginning.
Aravis, my queen, was away attending some sort of
getaway with the other does. Now who they wanted to get away from was beyond
me. Sometimes the female rabbits are very hard to understand. But anyway,
Aravis was away, and I was left alone in the house. So, I did the natural thing
and asked Digory to come over and party with me. We could watch tv all night
and eat all the snacks we wanted without Aravis telling me to do reasonable rubbish,
like going to bed. It was amazing!! Until I tried to make carrot cake in a mug.
And unfortunately, I decided to make it in Aravis’ most favorite coffee mug. I
thought it was turning out great, but when I took the mug cake out of the
microwave, the whole thing just exploded. All over me and Digory. Yea, I can
imagine what you’re imagining, and I assure you, it was ten times worse than
what’s coming up in your head.
Now, we had a few options in front of us. We could
microwave some ketchup and rub it on ourselves to look like blood, call 911,
and then pretend the house was broken into and we were attacked and beaten up,
and the crook was making a snack when he heard someone coming, so he smashed it
over our heads. We could also run for our lives, disappear into the wilderness,
and survive like savages until Aravis forgave me (which I had a feeling would
be like never). Or we could clean it up, and face the consequences,
which didn’t sound like a very favorable option. None of these choices seemed
very appealing, so I did the logical thing and called a meeting of the gang.
Ten minutes later…
The entire gang of buck rabbits from our community was
gathered in my basement. My basement is cool. There’s all kinds of food, technology,
and other junk. Mostly things Aravis thought I got rid of, but I didn’t. Like
that truckload of expired potato chips that Digory brought me last month. So,
yea, you get the picture. A buck’s dream space. And now I had all eleven of my
friends gathered in there. Ha. This was going to be easy, or so I thought. I
jumped up on top of a couch and called for everyone’s attention.
“Greetings, fellow bucks. I would like to…”
“Hey, ‘bastian! Can I have a bag of chips?” That was
Smoky, the notorious food hog. I nodded my consent, and then continued.
“Ok, bucks. I have a problem. I broke Vissy’s favorite
mug. So…”
“YOU WHAT?!?!?” Chester was horrified. Probably
because Lottie, his wife, was a mug collector, and breaking any of them was a
terrible crime, let alone her favorite.
“I broke her favorite mug. And yes, Chester, I know I
will most likely be dead, but if you guys help me, I might be able to get away
with only eternal disgrace, or better yet, Vissy might never find out.” A
collective gasp ensued. No one fooled Aravis. Ever. Especially not me. She
could evidently smell when I was lying, or something along those lines. It was
a bit disturbing at times.
“But, how will you have her not find out?” That was
Jasper. He was smart, but lacked my gift of slyness. A good minion,
nonetheless.
“And that, my friend, is why I called you all. So now,
here’s my plan.”
Half an hour later…
We were sneaking along the hedge at Izzy’s house.
Digory, Smoky, and I were going to enter Izzy’s house, and search for a mug
that looked like Aravis’. Meanwhile, the other bucks would keep lookout.
Digory and I slithered in the kitchen window, hauling
Smoky up after. Smoky was coming with us as a lookout inside the house. He has
excellent hearing, if not brains, so we trusted him to alert us, should Izzy
wake up. After giving him some very specific instructions not to eat anything,
we set to work searching cupboards. Five minutes later we heard something.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!
It’s a ghoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooost!!!!” Smoky wailed.
“Young buck, get your filthy paw out of my pie this
INSTANT, or I shall give you a good spanking with my rolling pin!” That was
Izzy. And from the sound of it, Smoky had wandered off and started eating pies.
He really wasn’t very bright.
“Quick, Digory, we have to leave before she finds us!”
I whispered urgently. Too late. Izzy stood in the doorway, holding Smoky at the
point of her rolling pin. He was whimpering and sucking on his fingers, which
still had the remains of pie filling on them.
“So, there’s more! Sebastian, do you think Aravis
would like this gallivanting around and stealing my pies?”
“Uh, no ma’am.” Best way to get away from Izzy was to
mind your manners and act repentant.
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Uh, I guess I ate too many expired potato chips,
ma’am. They make you loopy.” Digory snorted, and I elbowed him. He was going to
ruin my excuse.
“You were eating expired potato chips? Would Aravis
like that?”
“I guess not, ma’am.”
“Then why were you doing it?”
“Ummmmmm…Digory made me.” Digory snorted again.
“I should spank the two of you, just like I used to.”
Izzy advanced with her rolling pin. Gosh, now she was really getting
threatening.
“Well, then, you can come by my office sometime and
set up an appointment. See you then!” I bolted. Smoky and Digory followed.
Once we were safely outside, I sat down to think, and
have a meeting. After lots of discussion, it was agreed that we should go to
Lottie’s house and ask to see her mug collection. If we saw one that looked
like Vissy’s, then we would buy it and take it home.
We arrived at Lottie’s house ten minutes later, with
Chester in tow. After knocking on her
door for five minutes, she finally came down.
“Chester? I thought you said you were going to a party
at Sebastian’s house and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow!” Lottie was a bit
bewildered.
“We have a problem.” I cut in, “May we see your mug
collection?”
Lottie’s mug collection was a thing of beauty. She ran
a coffee shop though, so I suppose it would be a shame if it wasn’t.
“I’m not entirely sure you can be trusted.” Lottie
eyed me suspiciously.
“Have no fear, madam. I am the most trustworthy rabbit
for miles around!” I declared, in my grandest and most honest sounding voice.
Digory snorted, yet again. I stomped on his foot, hoping that it would keep him
quiet.
“Lottie girl, could you just let him in? He’s in a bit
of a fix.” Chester gave her a pleading look. Lottie sighed.
“Fine. But hurry.”
“Yes ma’am. I shall complete my task with the swiftest
of feet, and pay extra for my coffee for the next month. You have saved my
life.” With that, I scurried into her house, and over to her coffee mug collection.
I could practically hear the eye roll coming from behind me.
“This one looks like Vis’!” Chester pointed.
“It certainly does! Here, Lottie, I’ll give you twenty
dollars!” I tossed Lottie a bill, and hopped towards the door. I didn’t make it
far.
“SebASTIAN! I paid at least one hundred dollars for
that mug! I expect you to pay me that much or MORE!!” There she went with the
shrieking again.
“Smoky!!!! Bring in the treasury!!” Smoky came
trudging in at my order, hauling a large canning jar full of money. It was the
gang’s contributions toward snacks, and on certain, desperate occasions, it
could be used for other purposes. I took the jar, and unceremoniously dumped it
at Lottie’s feet. Then, we left.
Back at home…
“Well, bucks, we did it!” I threw a handful of expired
potato chips into the air to punctuate my grand statement.
“Not yet we didn’t. You still gotta fool Aravis.” That
was Digory. Sometimes I have a good mind to whack him upside the head with
something.
“Yea, dude. I bet you two bags of potato chips you won’t
fool her.” And that was Smoky.
“Hey, if she kicks you out, then you can come to stay
at my house for a bit.” That was Chester, ever polite and considerate.
“I’m sure I won’t be kicked out, Chester. Aravis will
never know.” Right on cue, Digory snorted. He really needed to find some more
confidence in my abilities. I was absolutely certain Aravis would never find
out.
A week later…
“’Bastian, honey, I’m home!” Aravis set down her bag,
and peered around the kitchen for me. I was having a panic attack in the basement.
When she persisted in her calling, I slunk upstairs, and attempted to look
completely innocent.
“Hi Vis! How was, er, the getaway?”
“What did you do?” Dang it. She was already on to me.
“Nothing.”
“Sebastian.”
“What?”
“Sebastian Ferdinand Louis Casp…”
“Whoa. I didn’t do anything. Nothing at all. I’m
completely innocent.”
“Ok. I take it I’ll discover it later.”
“There’s nothing to discover.”
“Yea, right. You have that guilty look in your eyes.” Aravis
was certainly quite observant.
Three hours later…
“Sebastian, could you come here?”
“Uhhhh, sure!” I hopped into the kitchen, only to find
Aravis holding the mug we’d bought from Lottie.
“What happened to my mug?”
“That’s your mug.”
“This is Lottie’s mug.” Oh, no, she knew. I was
sooooooo dead.
“Lottie’s mug?”
“Stop stalling and answer me.”
“Ok, I’m sorry, but I broke your favorite mug trying
to make a carrot cake in a mug, and then we tried to steal one from Izzy, but
she tried to spank us with her rolling pin, and so then we went to Lottie’s
house, and I thought that one looked like it, and so then I paid her a lot of
money for it and I hoped you wouldn’t notice, but I guess you did, so I’ll just
go down to the basement now, and maybe I can order you a new one sometime, if
you find one that looks like it?”
“That wasn’t my favorite mug.”
“Uhhhhhhhh.” What was she saying?
“I knew better than to leave my favorite heirloom mug
with you while I was away, so I took it with. That was my second favorite
mug that you broke.”
“Sooooooooooooo, I’m maybe not dead?”
“I wouldn’t say that yet.” Aravis gave me a wicked
smile. But I was paying no attention. My knees were threatening to give out. I staggered
over to the couch, and collapsed on to it. Would I ever learn?
~Just a Girl on the Homestead
